10 months since leaving

Its been 10 months since we left our home and a lot has happened.  3 months in refuge, hating almost every minute.  Persecuted by other residents and driven to self harming. Then we got out.  We got our new home and started making a life for ourselves.  No more shadow of him, or that is the way it was meant to be ... he delivered our things, my sister convinced me to let him bring them saying that it would be easier and cheaper if he did it than if i tried to hide our location.  I mean why would we need to do a silly thing like that?? ERM... because he will know where we are, all the time we were in refuge I told him we were in Chelmsford to cover us.  Now he knows where we are.  Social Services are back on our case and we are having regular safety inspections from the health visiting team.  I used to go to my grandmas every weekend, we would go on a saturday and stay until the sunday evening.  She would call him on the Friday to let him know that we were coming and then when I went to my uncles to help with his van conversion she would let him in.  He hadnt done anything wrong after all, just been a bit heavy handed with the kids ....

Yeah dragging a 9 year old up the stairs by her scalp cos she was refusing to shower, thats being heavy handed! Walking a 6 year old with your hands around his neck, thats heavy handed! How about smacking a 3 year old everytime she poo's herself? is that just being heavy handed??

I have never EVER said i was abused by him ... in fact i have it in my head that he did these things because i was abusive to him!  I spent all his money, I never did the cleaning, I have mental health issues and I bugged him for sex.  I kept him poor and made him work while I sat on my lazy fat arse doing nothing.

But then lets look at the facts, I had no job and serious mental health issues, my income was the child tax credits (approx £50 per week) and the child benefit payments (£190 per month). That comes to a grand total of £390 per month ... for food, clothing for all 5 of us, kids school extras like packed lunches (x 2 per day) and trips, school uniforms, packed lunches (x2 per night) for him, holidays, outings and trips during school breaks and even for a while nursery fees.

We went for a meal which I paid half for and I asked him to bring along a record of his wages per week and his outgoing (the money he spends on bills etc.)  I sat with him and over our meal we worked through the finances.  It came to £100 per week less than what he made.  So I put it to him, we should split this 50/50 that way he had spending money and I could make up the deficit in my finances, he wasn't keen.  I changed it to 40 for me 60 to him and he agreed.

He made me ask for the money every week, and he wouldn't give it to me in cash I had to use his bank card (officially committing fraud) to get the money out, oh yeah and get him some cash out at the same time.  He kept track of it every time I used his card and I couldn't sneak a fiver out of his wallet without having to account for every penny and it being approved by him.

During the day we were to be quiet.  He would be disturbed by talking in the lounge while he slept.  He would go to bed at around midday and expect me to wake him for his dinner when we had ours.  THat left me with a bit of a problem ... have dinner too early he wouldnt have had enough sleep, too late and the kids wouldnt get their sleep.  So in the end we would eat about 6.30pm, which left no time to bath the kids or read them stories before bed.  Yes they could have stayed up later, but then they would have been sleepier at school and nursery.  I was already in trouble for them being grubby, couldn't put any more spot light on us for them being sleepy.  The social services were called in by the school in 2012/13 I had been taken off my medication so they could change it... I had to be off it for a month to make sure it was out of my system and then it would take 2 weeks to get the new meds in my system before they started working.  I WAS IN HELL!!!

The report from social services later told me the wording used by the school was that my children presented as "dirty, grubby little things" I hit the roof at this remark and when around the school showing as many parents as I could just what the head thought of my kids!  Yeah they were grubby and sometimes (usually) unwashed but for someone in authority to call them "things" that was my grievance.  It caused uproar in the playground that she could have worded it like that.  And when later I heard that they had been seen by Social Services without  my knowledge I was distraught.

Food in their teeth and they looked like they had been rolling in mud ... yeah it was just after lunch and knowing my boy he had been rolling in mud and enjoying it immensely !  My kids played outside, they loved being out with friends in the air and you could often see them in the street without coats, them having been discarded in the front garden as soon as they left the house.  I loved the fact that they could go out and play.  For one it meant they weren't messing up the house, or their rooms or making too much noise and disturbing him.

But now we are here we don't need to be quiet and its lovely (sometimes) to have the kids screaming at each other and shouting in excitement and happiness.  We sit here this evening with Chinese from the take away, I thought we would go and eat it in the park, unfortunately it was closed because Storm Katie has knocked a lot of branches loose and its a safety issue.  But the kids understood and we sit here now eating as much as we can, leaving what we don't like or don't want.  I even ordered the house special rice not knowing what it was like because if I don't eat it there are no comments about food waste.

The children argue and my youngest has started to speak in the last ten months, she is almost talking like a normal 4 year old - almost, and yes I do sometimes have to tell her to shut up, when I'm struggling but we talk more to each other than we ever did.

I'm going to leave this blog here but this isn't the end of our story it isn't the beginning of the end of the story but it is the end of the beginning and there are plenty more chapters to come ... this one is almost over.  2 months and counting to the anniversary of our leaving, who knows how things will change in that time.

Thursday 14th May 2015

Thursday 14th May 2015

No post yesterday - I went to bed early (8pm) with a headache.  I went up for a bit of peace and quiet and ended up waking at about midnight with vice round my temples and my neck not wanting to be moved.  After scurrying around I found some paracetamol and used a kids toy as beaker so I could get some relief.  Which came about half hour later, after I had jammed a deodorant can under my neck and a cold bottle either side of my face, window wide open and a cold breeze over me. When Tommy came into my bed about 7am I felt alot better but i am still a bit fuzzy in the membranes.   

Apart from the headache, yesterday was an interesting day, I got called to pick Nicola up from nursery early as she had had diarrhoea.  Explosive diarrhoea! It had been all up the front, all up the back and running down her legs … they left the shorts for me to decide if i wanted to try and rescue them but the knickers went straight in the bin as they were beyond recovery.  So she got to pick up Louise and Thomas from school with me.  I warned their teachers so if either of them get a bit of a tummy ache they are warned.

Choi was interesting this evening, I took Buddy with us so he could have a walk, we stayed outside the church while they did the session.  He wasn't very happy about being kept outside and wanted to go in and play with the others but he couldn't :( .  I guess we'll both just have to get used to it.  I hope next time we will be able to do some training, but this time we just wandered back and forth and chatted for a bit - he did not enjoy that bit.

Today, as I said before, I was still a bit fuzzy.  I had to go into the city to meet with Mel, my outreach worker from Leeway.  We spoke about me going, OK I spoke about us going, she phoned the 0845 number for me and there were 3 nearby.  2 of them would have been just  a room in a shared place, one was a self contained flat but that was so far away.  I am concerned that I will be alone, so far from family and with no credit I would have no one to talk to.  I am going to get an emergency bag together for each of us and I'm going to store them - along with my important documents folder someone away from the house.  Maybe it would be best kept at my uncles with the supplies I bought to set up home.  I will have to phone him and get him to pick the bags up one evening when Jon is at work so that he doesn't see them going.  I will send the scrapbooks with the bags - those can’t be replaced.

Nicola is home from Nursery until Monday as she has to stay away for 48 hours. I will need to find something to interest her - other than stealing the dogs toys and bones.

I could so go back to sleep right now.







2015 is the year of the sheep, so this year is my year, Sheepish Jules year and I shall be strong.

May 12 2015

Tuesday 12th May 2015

Kids went to breakfast club as usual on a weekday.  I then had to get back, get washed and dressed ready for Good 2B Me.  Its a course run by the Norfolk County Council and its suppose to help with self esteem and confidence, I  was referred onto the course during a difficult time and the professionals thought that I was lacking in these things.

Today,we discussed our strengths and our hopes and dreams, we did a computer program with someone called Sid which was suppose to be a career guidance thing that told you about your strengths and what sort of job you should go for - or you might like to research.  The confidence booster printout was produced from a which colour do you prefer thing.  Mine said I would be a “good boss” I don’t know if I like the sound of that.

I'm a bit confused by it really because it said I was ambitious but I'm not, I'm happy to be doing the job I'm doing.  I'm wondering a lot about it and if I redid it tomorrow what my results will be.

The second print out we did with Sid was our Personal Profile this was in relation to the statements that were asked …

I would just like to point out here that I did not get a chance to view this on the computer it was just printed without me reading it (and he got me to date it next week)

With Diana we did an activity called “All about me”.  We went through the headings and listed what we thought were GOOD qualities, we weren't allowed to write anything negative about ourselves this is a session about our STRENGTHS not our weaknesses.

The last part of today's session was What is precious and special about me.  We highlighted (and circled in my case) the qualities that described us…

What would you choose to describe yourself? what would you put on your All About Me?

The rest of my day consisted of getting my money from the cash point, I only had £80 because i was stupid at the weekend and I took the money out of the machine then went into the supermarket and paid by card (duh no money in there you just took it all out!).   So when it comes to the end of the month I am going to have some charges to pay!

I also wasted my money on silly things, £4.99 went on sun shades for the car windows, I'm fed up with the kids complaining constantly on sunny days.  I also bought a DAB radio it cost £29.99 but it sounds AMAZING! it will be great in the bedroom where we don't have a radio and as a bonus I can put batteries in it and use it in the bathroom which I used to love being able to do.  Just hope I can stretch the food in the freezer to run until Friday when I can maybe get some money off Jon.

Today's Quote of the Day: Challenges are what makes life interesting, over coming them is what makes life meaningful. (Joshua J Marine)